Hating

HATRED:

The Oxford English dictionary definition states:
              Noun: Intense dislike or ill will

Noun?? According to Schoolhouse Rock, a noun is a person, place, or thing. How does an emotion become a person, place, or thing??

THING:
         Noun: An object that one need not, cannot or does not wish to give a specific name to

OBJECT:
        Noun: A material thing that can be seen and touched

A 'thing' is something solid, real, something that is there to hold onto, how is hatred a THING? I believe it comes from

FEAR:
         Noun: An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or a threat. (Bold added)

What do you fear? What beliefs do you have that cause you to fear?

I had (and to some degree still have) two great fears: Fire and Wolves.

Crazy huh? I can trace each of these fears back to their start.

My fear of fire began in 2nd grade when Mrs. Pugh presented her unit on fire safety. For months after that unit I smelled smoke, every single night, and screamed for my Dad to make sure we were safe and that the house was not burning down. And Dad, every night, would stand in the doorway of my room and (with a bit of exasperation) inform me there was no smoke and no fire and we were safe.

See!! TERRIFYING! 

My fear of wolves came from watching the Disney cartoon of The Three Little Pigs. Seriously, that wolf was terrifying!!! He slunk around, drooling and laughing trying to eat the pigs. I had nightmares constantly about that wolf. When I was in college my lab partner invited me out to her car to meet her dog; I nearly wet myself when she popped open the back hatch on her truck and there sat a wolf hybrid. It had the tall, scruffy hackles and long, lean legs and the eyes - I will NEVER forget those piercing blue eyes, that animal knew things and it was dressing me down! I swallowed what little spit I still had in my mouth and on my friend's invitation, reached out and scratched the ears of one of my biggest fears.

William Shakespeare in his play, Anthony and Cleopatra wrote, "In time we hate that which we often fear." I suppose I never came to hate either of these things because I came to a knowledge of them myself, I overrode the "belief" I had with study, exploration and learning. I learned how to protect myself and my family in the event of a fire. I studied about wolves and their near extinction and the importance they play in the ecosystem. Did I jump to conclusions before I started to learn about my fears? Absolutely! But my fear never turned to hate.

I know this all sounds rather simplistic, come on Jen, these aren't real world problems - wolves and fire....psh!

Are you afraid? Do you fear?

"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering." 

(Yoda, that Jedi master, he was a smart one!)

As I climbed into bed last night, I fluffed my pillow, adjusted the hot pack around my sore shoulders, tucked the blanket in around me and began to cry. My persona is terribly sensitive, I may not come across that way, in fact, I know that to many people I come across as cold and unfeeling - but I do have a fairly soft heart. By the time I made it to my bed last night the burden from the past few weeks of seeing so many people - friends, family, students (current and former), display so much hate and anger on social media had taken its toll. I didn't just cry, I sobbed.

I guess I don't understand.

I've had adults look me square in the face and ask me how I can possibly feel safe teaching school? I teach high school, and I love and TRUST every single student I teach!

"Aren't you afraid??" they ask, "aren't you scared of being shot or...or...or something??"

Why should I be afraid? Yes, I'm sure there are students that carry weapons. Yes, many of my students are bigger than me and could take me down in a heartbeat. You're right, some of them do not have the same value system that I do. But no, I am not afraid. Unless a student gives me a reason not to trust them I have complete faith in them. But, I do not go into school unprepared.

I participate in the safety drills, lockdowns, lockouts, fire drills, earthquake, active shooter - I talk to and reassure my students that everything to keep them safe is being done and that I will absolutely stand in the way of anyone trying to do harm to them - be that physical, mental or spiritual.

Am I afraid? Of what do I have to be afraid? If I lived in fear I would be useless as a teacher and a human being.

But whoso hearkeneth unto me shall dwell safely, and shall be quiet from fear of evil.

                                                       Proverbs 1:33

Fear of evil is not my undoing, but it is in seeing those around me, that I love so dearly, fear. 

If there is one thing I could give you it would be the ability to remove fear from your lives, to love and trust and know that fear only leads to anger, hate, and suffering; be it yours or someone else's. I would plead with you to trust wisely and to remove fearmongering from your lives as it will only serve to harm and debilitate you as you hide and become hardened from your time in the shadowy places of doubt and anxiety.

Sadly, I cannot give it to you.

Much as I love and care for you I cannot allow fear to be a part of my life. Know that I still respect and appreciate everything that anyone who has touched my life has given me, but I will not be part of fear, anger and hatred. Perhaps you will see less of me, perhaps you will no longer see me at all, perhaps, with these words, it is you who will withdraw from me...but know that I care for you no less.

Here is to light and love and hope!