Jealousy

Jealousy. The word looks funny, sadly, its definition and the things that come from it are far from funny.
I know I'm going to hit a nerve or two with a few people (probably the ones I'm not talking about who may think I'm referring to them), but so be it.

We are given many things, both spiritual (if you will) and temporal. I feel that we are accountable for those things; whether it be a societal accounting - such as repaying our debts or following through on business deals; a personal accounting - such as being true to yourself; or an accounting to a higher power  - for example, cultivating our inherent talents and perhaps using them to better the lives of others. In all cases we are, in some way or another, held accountable for what we have and we are responsible for what we do with what we are given.

With that being said - why are so many of us so obsessed with wanting what someone else has? Why would we want to be responsible and held accountable for someone else's stuff?

Much of what I have heard the past few weeks is,
      "I will never be as good as they are."
 My response to that is,
      "You're right, you probably never will be."

Am I being callous? Mean?
How about realistic?

Realistic??? Yes. Realistic.

The reason you will never be as good as anyone else is because (ready for this....)

YOU ARE NOT THEM!  

I have a poster in my rehearsal room that says something to the effect of

 "Be yourself, an original is worth more than a copy."

I'm not sure why we think that being someone else would be better. Don't ge me wrong, it happens to me too -  I look at friends, students, and peers who have something I don't and my first reaction is,

        "Wow, wouldn't that be cool!!" 

Then my brain actually starts thinking, 

        "Wow, I don't know that I would want to be accountable for that at this point in my life."

What follows is an example of how this thought process happens in my world:

From the time I was little I wanted a HUGE house! 

 Now I've grown up (maybe grown older is a better way to put that) I'm pretty sure I don't want that big house. Why? 

Because with the big house comes a big house payment, big insurance, I would need to fill the house with furniture of an equivalent nature (another big payment), I would have to maintain a very manicured yard (I'm thinking closed community type housing here...just stay with me), I would need to keep every inch of that big house clean, this means I would probably need to hire help. If I had a big house like that I would be expected to entertain, which means I would have to stock a large pantry with food for entertaining - more $$. I would then be expected to be able to cook (not my favorite thing), along with that I would have to dress well.......do you see where this went - in a big hurry??

The expectation, whether real or perceived, that (typically) comes with the big house, helped me to decide that I do not want that kind of responsibility or accountability - hence, I no longer want the big house. 

It can be the same with wanting others talents or gifts - do I really want to be responsible for that when I can barely manage what I have within myself??

When I was a lot younger, and poorer, and had much less (both money and ability) than I do now I would often covet and be jealous of others. It was at that point in time I found a scripture that I took to heart, in Philippians Chapter 4:

• Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content
• I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
• I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

The thing that I love about this is that while it tells me to be content where I am, it never says that I have to stay put! It never says, be content and never improve, or be content and cease learning or striving - only to be content.

This mentality didn't happen overnight, it took time, it took experience and it took more patience than I thought I had. Do I still wish for things someone else has that I don't? Yep...sure do. But I've adjusted my way of thinking after the fact - I may not have those things, but I have MY things and that should be more than enough to keep me busy and happy.

Be Content 

- but -

 observe keenly, appreciate openly, covet rarely, learn constantly, and improve daily

The lights are out!

Those were the first words to reach my ears last night as I entered Libby Gardner hall for rehearsal.

The lights are out...and they won't turn on.

Whoa! This was dress rehearsal for THE biggest concert of our season and we have no lights???

I took some comfort in the fact that, on the long list of things that were my job to worry about, this wasn't one of them. So I found a comfy seat and chatted with Laurie and Dave and observed the reaction of other orchestra members as they came in, looked at the pitch black concert hall and made comments:

"Why aren' the lights on?"
"Ooh, Beethoven by candlelight tonight huh?"
"We are rehearsing, right?"

Having no lights and no rehearsal space was legitimate concern, this was going to be a huge concert, this was our first and ONLY run through with the soloists, we needed this rehearsal!

In short order the word came down - we're moving to room 200, grab chairs and stands! Room 200?? Oh geez! In passing me in the hall I heard Dr. Baldwin comment, "of all of the rooms to rehearse Beethoven in, Room 200 HAS to be the worst."

The Thompson chamber hall at the U of U

The Edgar J. Thompson chamber music hall is primarily used for just that, Chamber music. It has high ceilings, low lighting, and ornate, semi-over the top baroque type architectural decor, complete with gold accents. It is not a room built to house the sound of a 90 piece orchestra and 100+ voice choir, however, it was this or nothing.

True to community orchestra and choir form everyone hopped to - we were set and ready to play not too long after our scheduled start time. I knew this was going to be hard on us, the sound would rebound like an out of control racquetball in that room, it was going to get warm in there, we weren't going to be able to see as well as we would like and it would be fortunate if the choir could see the conductor at all! Dr. Huff took the podium, the soloists stood facing the orchestra so they could see and hear, choir members standing on chairs, orchestra folks still jockeying for the best possible line of sight.

Us, trying to fit into the Thompson hall.....

Something happened to me during that first segment of rehearsal......

The wash of sound....nothing in that room sounded at a piano dynamic

The soloists....operatic voices, right in my face, the kind that I've coveted since I was young

The choir....volume rising and falling in the ebb and flow of sound coming from behind me

The orchestra....hearing everything around me, but myself

I thought - this must be how it was, way back, before the ultimate engineered concert hall, before the union demands, before the high efficiency lighting, before.....

There comes a time, for many of us in music, that we do this for so long that it becomes habit, routine, usual, nothing special - which is a shame.

I allowed it to take me, take me to that place where it became something special. It was all I could do to not let the tears run down my face. I was having that small moment when it is no longer mechanical, no longer counting, no longer bowing, no longer pinpoint focused listening so I didn't miss anything, no longer "the usual."  

I was in the music.

....and as fast as it came, it was gone! In a panic my eyes focused back in, but they were right where they should have been on the page, my fingers following along, my brain on the correct count. 

Inhale. 

Play.

And hope for the lights to go out (or did they come on?) more often.