Define the word Joy.
The Oxford dictionary defines Joy as:
NOUN: A feeling of great pleasure and happiness:
Now, one step further, define Great.
Back to Oxford: Great
ADJECTIVE: Of an extent, amount, or intensity considerably above the normal or average:
In the Book of Mormon (click here if you'd like to learn more about this book), we are told in the book of 2 Nephi 2:25
"......and men are, that they might have joy."
What brings you joy? Think about this for a few minutes before you continue reading, go ahead, I'll wait............
Almost 4 years ago I had my second cervical fusion. The inside of me essentially looks like this (this isn't me, but it's pretty much the same). I have a metal plate holding a pair of my vertebra together and the pair above is fused with bone from my hip. This particular area in our neck is where most of the nerves that take care of our shoulders, arms, and hands are bundled through and proceed to where they eventually terminate.
One year ago I had surgery to correct a nerve compression in my right arm (radial tunnel syndrome) and as I have worked on my recovery in the last year, it has proven to have been a successful surgery.
In the interim, I've fought some tennis elbow and other tendonitis issues in my thumb, but today, after therapy, cortisone, and lots of rest, I'm able to get up in the morning and not have any pain in my hands and arms.
This process of becoming pain-free has not only included MD's, PT's, and OT's but also an acupuncturist, herbalist, Alexander method teacher, and now a private violin teacher.
About two months ago I came to the obvious conclusion that the only way I was ever going to play again was to re-learn how to play and be accountable to someone, so I made the call. John was the teacher I learned from some 17 years ago upon my return to Utah. I was suffering then too and finding a teacher whose method focused on pain-free playing was vital - John was the man. It was humbling to make that call but I knew I had to do it.
The first couple of lessons were review; mentally, egoistically, painful review.
After the second lesson I knew that I had to be all in, there could be no part way here or I will never return to performing. That meant violin in hand 15 minutes at a time, then lay on the floor, mentally review, get up, do something else for a couple of hours, another 15 minutes, lay on the floor, review.....
I tried to beg off the next lesson but he insisted that for my progress I needed to be there.
I went.
I came home.
I scaled.
A major.
3rds.
lay on the floor, review, get up, do something else for a couple of hours......
Lesson time today. Pitch.
Your instrument will tell you when you're in tune. Did you know that?
You keep moving forward and down. Did you know you do that?
Your thumb is too involved. Did you know that?
My frustration was palpable, yes, I knew all this but it wasn't working!! As he took my instrument, pushed it up and out and made me shift from C to E something happened. He saw it in my face -
"Jenna," he said, " The picture you sent me with the falcon, I saw absolute joy in that picture. I think I just saw it again. Why hasn't that same joy been your face while you're playing? Why did you lose it?"
Holy schizzle!! I USED to take great joy in playing the violin......
"Jenna, what happened?"
My mind melted around the thought of joy and playing like hot plastic wrap; what had happened?
Playing was no joy, what was he talking about, it was a misery! Wait...was it?? For the longest time, I haven't been able to bend, straighten, shift, sit, vibrato, bow, concentrate, sleep, open doors, conduct, lift children, turn a screwdriver, tighten my bow, open a soda, or even write.
All I could do was hurt, dread, cry, fear, anguish over, and loathe picking up my instrument for any reason.
Performing and playing, my joy had turned on me. And it had turned in such a fashion that I had forgotten that it ever was a joy.
"I used to find joy in this...."
Was I telling him, or myself?
Sometimes we need to get out of our own way. We all do it - it's the whole forest for the trees thing. Often times we need to find a clearing to see what it is we're looking at. And that's what yesterday's lesson was, a clearing. A clearing of the idea that my joy was only pain.
As we finished the hour and 15-minute session John asked,
"So, do you hurt?"
"No."
"Are you tired?"
"No."
"Do your hands feel alive?"
"Yes."
And with a shrug, the lesson had been learned.
"Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are."
-Marianne Williamson
