Hating

HATRED:

The Oxford English dictionary definition states:
              Noun: Intense dislike or ill will

Noun?? According to Schoolhouse Rock, a noun is a person, place, or thing. How does an emotion become a person, place, or thing??

THING:
         Noun: An object that one need not, cannot or does not wish to give a specific name to

OBJECT:
        Noun: A material thing that can be seen and touched

A 'thing' is something solid, real, something that is there to hold onto, how is hatred a THING? I believe it comes from

FEAR:
         Noun: An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or a threat. (Bold added)

What do you fear? What beliefs do you have that cause you to fear?

I had (and to some degree still have) two great fears: Fire and Wolves.

Crazy huh? I can trace each of these fears back to their start.

My fear of fire began in 2nd grade when Mrs. Pugh presented her unit on fire safety. For months after that unit I smelled smoke, every single night, and screamed for my Dad to make sure we were safe and that the house was not burning down. And Dad, every night, would stand in the doorway of my room and (with a bit of exasperation) inform me there was no smoke and no fire and we were safe.

See!! TERRIFYING! 

My fear of wolves came from watching the Disney cartoon of The Three Little Pigs. Seriously, that wolf was terrifying!!! He slunk around, drooling and laughing trying to eat the pigs. I had nightmares constantly about that wolf. When I was in college my lab partner invited me out to her car to meet her dog; I nearly wet myself when she popped open the back hatch on her truck and there sat a wolf hybrid. It had the tall, scruffy hackles and long, lean legs and the eyes - I will NEVER forget those piercing blue eyes, that animal knew things and it was dressing me down! I swallowed what little spit I still had in my mouth and on my friend's invitation, reached out and scratched the ears of one of my biggest fears.

William Shakespeare in his play, Anthony and Cleopatra wrote, "In time we hate that which we often fear." I suppose I never came to hate either of these things because I came to a knowledge of them myself, I overrode the "belief" I had with study, exploration and learning. I learned how to protect myself and my family in the event of a fire. I studied about wolves and their near extinction and the importance they play in the ecosystem. Did I jump to conclusions before I started to learn about my fears? Absolutely! But my fear never turned to hate.

I know this all sounds rather simplistic, come on Jen, these aren't real world problems - wolves and fire....psh!

Are you afraid? Do you fear?

"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering." 

(Yoda, that Jedi master, he was a smart one!)

As I climbed into bed last night, I fluffed my pillow, adjusted the hot pack around my sore shoulders, tucked the blanket in around me and began to cry. My persona is terribly sensitive, I may not come across that way, in fact, I know that to many people I come across as cold and unfeeling - but I do have a fairly soft heart. By the time I made it to my bed last night the burden from the past few weeks of seeing so many people - friends, family, students (current and former), display so much hate and anger on social media had taken its toll. I didn't just cry, I sobbed.

I guess I don't understand.

I've had adults look me square in the face and ask me how I can possibly feel safe teaching school? I teach high school, and I love and TRUST every single student I teach!

"Aren't you afraid??" they ask, "aren't you scared of being shot or...or...or something??"

Why should I be afraid? Yes, I'm sure there are students that carry weapons. Yes, many of my students are bigger than me and could take me down in a heartbeat. You're right, some of them do not have the same value system that I do. But no, I am not afraid. Unless a student gives me a reason not to trust them I have complete faith in them. But, I do not go into school unprepared.

I participate in the safety drills, lockdowns, lockouts, fire drills, earthquake, active shooter - I talk to and reassure my students that everything to keep them safe is being done and that I will absolutely stand in the way of anyone trying to do harm to them - be that physical, mental or spiritual.

Am I afraid? Of what do I have to be afraid? If I lived in fear I would be useless as a teacher and a human being.

But whoso hearkeneth unto me shall dwell safely, and shall be quiet from fear of evil.

                                                       Proverbs 1:33

Fear of evil is not my undoing, but it is in seeing those around me, that I love so dearly, fear. 

If there is one thing I could give you it would be the ability to remove fear from your lives, to love and trust and know that fear only leads to anger, hate, and suffering; be it yours or someone else's. I would plead with you to trust wisely and to remove fearmongering from your lives as it will only serve to harm and debilitate you as you hide and become hardened from your time in the shadowy places of doubt and anxiety.

Sadly, I cannot give it to you.

Much as I love and care for you I cannot allow fear to be a part of my life. Know that I still respect and appreciate everything that anyone who has touched my life has given me, but I will not be part of fear, anger and hatred. Perhaps you will see less of me, perhaps you will no longer see me at all, perhaps, with these words, it is you who will withdraw from me...but know that I care for you no less.

Here is to light and love and hope!

Wherever there are birds....

Last summer I decided to do something I’d never done before. I was going to become a bird nerd!

That’s right, this orch dork was going to add bird nerd to her list of monikers. It happened when I started watching the SL Falcon cam. The city of Salt Lake has a peregrine falcon nest box on the side of the Joseph Smith Memorial Building. There has been a pair of nesting falcons in that box for more than 20 years and the Department of Wildlife Resources has been the overseeing entity to ensure those falcons are watched after and protected as they nest, fledge young, and live in downtown.

The DWR offered an introductory course to the falcons in late May 2014. I attended just to see what it was about and it was there I met Bob Walters, the great falcon overseer! Really, he is! If there is a person anywhere in the state that gives everything he has to the care and keeping of an animal, THIS is the guy! What’s even better about him is that he doesn’t care how much experience you have or don’t have, where you come from, how old you are, what you look like or how much time you have -  if you show up and offer to help, he will learn your name, hand you a walkie-talkie and send you out to do the job with all the trust in the world that you are going to do exactly what he needs you to do!

Bob gave us an overview of the falcon history at JSMB and what was needed of the  volunteers and when. I really expected more detail, but there wasn’t any. The details were to show up starting on this date, at any time, bring a backpack with a towel, water, and wear sturdy shoes. Really. That was it.

At the appointed day and time I showed up, an old towel tucked in the strap of my backpack, binoculars, water bottle and full of apprehension.

I walked up to Bob, seated at what I soon discovered was “bird central” and said,“Hi, I’m  here to help.”

My apprehension disappeared as I was greeted with a smile, summarily handed a walkie-talkie, told where one bird was (the other two were still in the nest box) and instructed where to post up to keep an eye on things.

I soon discovered that watching and waiting for falcons to fledge was a bit like playing a studio gig; 98% boredom and 2% OH MY HELL!! WHAT THE FUZZ !??!?

During that 98% boredom stage I got to know a few people, like the ladies that came and spent an hour helping out before going to work at the unclaimed properties office, or the woman who worked in state government that quite literally waits for this particular time of year and takes her two weeks of vacation just so she can help with the falcons!

I also got to know, indirectly, some of the gardeners at the LDS church property, LDS church security, and a few of the LDS missionaries who wandered through. There were also the people who worked in the church office building who would stop by and ask any of us with a walkie and a towel how the birds were and which birds had fledged and where they all were, at any given time of day.

One thing that was incredibly fun was to show the kids who were downtown with their families exploring, or there on vacation, the birds. To hand them a pair of binoculars and help them focus in, then explain to them that that little bird up there was THE FASTEST animal on the planet (NO WAY!! Mom, is that true???) was incredibly rewarding. It made even more of an impact on those kids when that little bird up there would take flight and I would watch that child follow the bird with their eyes popped open almost as far as their jaw was dropped.

There are two experiences that will be burned in my mind until I die or my mind gives out on me completely.

Mama bird was teaching Ace (he was the first of the young to fledge and he was quite the flyer, very coordinated from the get-go) how to do some hunting. She was having him play catch, mid-air. For this game, Mom would have prey (deceased) and would toss it or try to hand it off to her youngster while they were both in flight.  

I was sitting on the corner of South Temple and Main, looking east and south, watching the front of the JSMB when the call came over the walkie that Ace and Mom were on the move and they were moving west -  fast. I stood up to see them fly between the buildings over my head, two other volunteers rounded the corner and met up with me as we watched Mom and Ace take the corner and head South.

I remember glancing at the people around me as I ran with the other volunteers following the birds - it was as if all of downtown Salt Lake was watching a high flying aerial act. Everyone had stopped, put hands up to their shade their eyes and were pointing and “Ooohing” at the two feathered artists doing loops and twists above their heads. It was at that moment things went wrong, in a flash the collective gasp from the crowd created a vacuum at the corner of South Temple and Main.

Ace, who was being such a diligent fledgling student, caught the prey Mom threw to him and in his excitement, failed to see the wall of the mall on his west side. He looked, tried to pull up, but it was too late. The prey he had so adeptly caught flew out of his outstretched talons and he turned just enough to allow his back to hit the wall and avoid a full on face plant! Down he fluttered in a heap of disappointed feathers onto the sidewalk.

The three of us sprinted diagonally across the intersection, we seemed to be the only people moving, there was no traffic, no train...nothing! Towels fluttering, walkies crackling - “Where are they? Can you see them? There’s Mom! Where’s Ace!?”

As we stepped up to the dazed bird he looked at us in both shame and amazement. Two of us cornered him while the third radioed in that we had him and he appeared unharmed and that we were bringing him back to “bird central.”

It was only then that I realized the city had exhaled - the camera phones were out, pictures snapping, fingers pointing, traffic moving, the train came around the corner….

The other episode that I will always recall came in the quiet of a morning while I was watching the box waiting for the last bird to fledge (she was a stubborn one). I still tear up thinking about it. It was one of the most amazing, unreal things I’ve ever witnessed in my life.

Me and one other volunteer had been assigned to keep an eye out for the last fledgling, and we were sitting on the bench directly across from the box, enjoying a cool, quiet morning. From that place you can look south and see the Zions bank tower where these birds like to head once they gain some confidence. It’s a great tall building and it has a good vantage point from which the birds can see everything.

That morning, Mama bird and Ace had made it to the top of the Zions building, and as we sat chatting and watching we could see them doing practice circles. Mom would take off from the building head east, make a circle and come back around to the building and land, then Ace would do the same. She really was such a great teacher, that Mama bird.

After a few rounds of watching this we didn’t pay quite as much attention to them, they were practicing and they were fine. Soon we heard the call of Mama. She was making noise and she was serious! As we looked up at them she made another round, Ace followed, but Mom didn’t land. She came up and around again, but gained more altitude, Ace couldn’t follow, he landed and watched.

We stood up. Watching. She was still gaining altitude.

“What is she doing?” I asked.

No answer.

Suddenly, she cried again and in a split second the long, elegant, lengthened, feathered wings disappeared. They flattened against her body and came to a sharp, tight point matching her tail. She had gone from kite to bullet!  The speed was incredible!

In the time it took us to gasp, she had travelled from high above the Zions bank building, across the street, between the church administration and JSMB to just past where we were standing. My friend grabbed my arm! Our mouths hung open! Mama falcon screeched again as she popped those pointed wings like a drag chute and came almost to a complete stop, mid-air, in front of the nest box only to scream at, and harass, her yet to fledge youngster, turn and fly away again.

The two of us couldn’t move, we couldn’t speak, we just looked at each other. I had tears, so did she. The walkie popped to life, “Where’s Mom??”

I fumbled to find my walkie. “She’s...um….”

Thankfully, someone else had seen her flight path.

I have never seen anything so fast and so precise. It was the best ‘Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom’ moment I had ever imagined having - and in the middle of downtown Salt Lake!

Today, this sweet, dedicated Mama bird is sick, and if she recovers she may never return to the wild, but you know what, it’s ok. She showed her fledglings what she needed to. She showed them how to fly, how to catch and hunt, and how to shoot down a concrete canyon and make anyone who is aware of their small and quiet presence absolutely stunned at the grace and ability they have been given.

Thank you, Mama bird. You filled the measure of your creation and then some….

"Wherever there are birds, there is hope."

-Mehmet Murat ildan