I am a damaged musician

I have the opportunity this week of participating in the Vivaldi Institute - Baroque music on modern instruments. The institute is a week of baroque, baroque, baroque - from dance, to technique to music by composers that I didn't even realize existed. Its going to be 4-6 hours a day of performance/rehearsal time with lecture interspersed throughout.

I was SO thrilled when I first received notice of being accepted to the institute, as they accepted me only on my resume, no audition (how bonus is this??) The music list was sent out about a month in advance so, being my diligent self, I printed off everything - all of the parts - and started messing with it. True to form, it was deceptively difficult. Practice...I had to practice more than I had been.

I am a high school music teacher, I do not spend all of my time in a practice room or in rehearsal as a player. Sometimes, this is to my detriment. I'm not as proficient on my instrument as I could be if I were playing in the professional sense, all of the time. This concerns me, and with the increase in practice time what concerned me further, was my body.

Ok ok ok...beyond the normal 40+ year-old

 woman wrinkle, chubby, floppy, out-of-sorts, body concerns. 

Because, I, am a damaged musician.

In 1996 I underwent surgery to remove a torn disc from my neck at C 5/6. Prior to this surgery my career as a musician nearly ended. I couldn't play without being in extreme pain. In fact, I didn't realize that I was in pain most of the time, I was like the frog who is put in a pot of water and the heat turned up a little at a time until it boiled to death; I didn't know how much pain I was in.

Removal of the disc fixed a myriad of problems, however, as I discovered this week, it created a world of new ones. It has been 15 years since the surgery, and because of the surgery I am (nearly) back in the same boat. A second bout with tennis elbow, and other shoulder pain and numbness, led my chiropractor to insist upon an MRI. Because of the fusion, the vertebrae above and below the original surgical site, have had to work harder - causing the same problem to occur.

This is NOT my neck, but shows what is happening
 with discs pushing on the spinal cord

Having this news come days before leaving for the institute was devastating. I'm grateful to have a good 
chiropractor who has been a long-time friend as well as a great doc. As my brain went numb he virtually put the phone in my hand and told me what to do to help me get through this week. I don't like the option of medicating this much, but I guess we do what we have to.

There will be much more to come (doctors, therapy, what ever I can do to avoid surgery again) when I return, but for now.....drugs and ice packs.

My hope in documenting my affliction is so that others might understand. I am a damaged musician. I do what I love because I love it. I will do whatever it takes to continue doing the thing I love.

• I will play in and through pain. Even though I know in many cases, that I shouldn't.
• I do not have a trainer to warm me up or ice me down, I will stretch before I get the rehearsal hall and I have a husband who will rub my back and get me the ice pack after I make it home.
• There is no special hospital for injured musicians, like you can find for injured athletes, we are largely on our own.
• The world does not pine for a damaged musician that will not return to their career, there will be no documentary, no compensation for us pitching"thera-patches", no news articles, no radical new therapy developed if one of us ceases being able to play music so that we can return.

No one at the institute knows about my history or my current situation. My medications lay hidden within my case, ice pack in the freezer, bio-freeze in my backpack. All they know is that I was accepted here as a musician that could play.

There are no excuses. 

I am a damaged musician - time for me to play.