To all the guys I've loved before

I've been thinking about how fortunate I am to have some wonderful men in my life. 

There were my Grandpas, Asahel (the tall one) and Otto (the short German) who were an integral part of my life as I was growing up. They lived just around the corner from me and across the street from each other. I couldn't have been more spoiled if I'd asked to be!

 

Then there is my Dad  ------------------------> As many of you know he had a very rough summer. He's a very wise person, he encourages learning. In fact, when I was accepted to graduate school he was the first person I told, because I knew he would be most excited. Dad could do anything when I was younger. He could fix it, make it, adjust it, figure it out, bend it without breaking it, and bake it to perfection. He can't quite do what he used to do, but he still does pretty well.

 

 Next is my baby brother, Joel. I love calling him my baby brother, because he's far from a baby!! He stands 6'5" and he used to be a lineman in high school. He is my dealer when it comes to books and reading. Somehow, even with all he does with his family and business he finds time to search out some great books. I know that when I am short on reading material I have only to make one phone call and I'll be set!

 

 Then comes my husband. He is the best man for me, no question. Neither of us has had the easiest time when it comes to our previous lives, but together (for us) is better. He is smart, happy, level headed and totally in love with me!!

Last, are my boys! Brennan, Jeffrey, and Josh. Jeff is my only biological son, I was fortunate enough to get Brennan and Josh along with Gary. All of them, smart, happy and good to the women in their lives (moms, significant others and their one sister).

So, what is all this leading up to, you may ask (or you may be hoping I'm finished..but no)? Back to my thinking.....

I did a lot of dating between my marriages, something I didn't do much of (ok, didn't do ANY of) in high school and I have discovered that good men, like the ones in my life, are few and far between. 

I dated men who still lived with their parents, who were jobless and mooching, who were only after a quick trip to the bedroom (oh, yeah, that was a short lived trip for them with me), who lied about their age, weight and marital status (that is another post in and of itself).

Suffice it to say, one amusing conversation with the wife of a married (unbeknownst to me until the call) man I went out with once was enough for me to nearly call on a PI every time I had a date planned.

There were men who told me I was raising my children wrong, I even had one tell me that the reason my son wouldn't "fight" a bully was because he was a mama's boy and didn't have a good male influence in his life. 

Um...hey, doofus, guess who taught that boy to throw/catch a football AND all the rules to the game?? 

Yeah, not you, fool! 

Then there were the totally physical guys, the ones that would tell you they'd love to take you home and spend the night, but had to be sure they were awake in time for church meeting at 7. 

Wow, how gullible do you think I am?? 

One of my favorite lines by some egotistical, self-centered type, after a great kiss or some sort of crazy make out session was "I bet no one has ever done THAT for you huh??"

What the hell? Do you think I've been celibate for the last 30 years??

Guys, do you really think you're the ONLY one who can do  "that" to a girl??

Then there were the guys who talked big but could never, NEVER follow through on anything they claimed they were good at doing, getting, or accomplishing.  It was one constant let down after another.

After two failures to do anything you've said you can or will do, why should I believe anything else that comes out of your mouth, that does nothing but offer lip service??

All of this said, my cousin has told me that I should write a book about my dating experiences, sadly, it wouldn't be much different than many of the other books you see about women and dating and the subsequent disasters that typically occur. 

To all the guys I've "loved" before....take a lesson:

I think the difference between me and whatever girl it was that settled on you could be that I have ALWAYS had good, honest, reliable, real, happy, smart, stable, men who have been an influence for good in my life. Because of them I won't settle for being treated any less than I should be - by ANY man at ANY time.

Pulling back Thyme

Shhhh, don't tell guitar class I'm writing, they think I'm doing grades while they practice....

With summer coming to a close I had to get my yard in shape for fall, this included; pulling up my garden, mowing the grass shorter, cutting the herbs and rhubarb back to the ground, and winterizing the pond. I love working outside (provided its not too hot), I love the smell of dirt and cut grass and fallen leaves and that kind of rich, almost musty smell of things around the pond that are damp and in a state of starting to rot and form the stuff that is so good for the garden.

I have a parking strip, you know, that strip of grass that never stays green because you cant water it enough because the heat from the asphalt street slams it all summer making it look like straw. However, a few years ago, I killed off all the grass and put in sandstone rocks and a plant called creeping thyme. This stuff is GREAT!  It needs next to no water and it looks good. In the spring it flowers all purple and is quite a sight, the rest of the summer its green....and creeps. 

The problem is that it creeps and covers up all of my rocks, so by this time of year it starts looking like this  (Ok, it doesnt look bad, but I paid good money for the rocks and I think they should be seen).

Where the difficulty lies (and this entails me admitting I'm not as young as I once was) is that pulling the thyme back from the rocks means I have to get down on my hands and knees and crawl around on rocks for the better part of an hour.  As I started doing this a few weeks ago I made some parallels.

Sometimes, pulling back thyme is difficult. There are often places where it is so overgrown and intertwined that it hurts my hands.

I know that soon I'm going to have to pull back time and remember some things I don't want to remember, but doing so is going to pave the way to Gary and I being sealed...and there is nothing I want more in life right now, than that.

In pulling back thyme I exposed some ugly little bugs, that scared me...and a few that crawled right up my arm!

  I know that bugs are going to interfere with my pulling back time, they will make me jump back and want to walk away from what has to be done because they are gross or ugly or could bite, but I have to look past them to the end result.

More than once I had to get up from my knees and empty out the overgrowth from the clean up bucket.

I'm sure that in pulling back time I'm going to have to convince my knees to bend and allow someone to clear the overgrowth of fear and doubt from my mind.

While I was pulling back the thyme I looked around and realized that some of my rocks had been completely covered over and lost.

Sometimes, losing or forgetting time isn't a bad thing. Right now, I wish I could be allowed to leave some of these "rocks" in my life covered over, it would mean less heartache. But I guess there must be a purpose in the requirement of "clearing the rocks"....I just wish I knew better what it was.

After and hour, and then some, I finished and I looked back on my parking strip. I could see the rocks, not necessarily their jagged edges, but that they were all there, and that they each played an integral part the landscape of the parking strip. I'm glad I only have to do this a couple of times a summer, it's hard on my knees and rough on my hands. But the end result is something unique and beautiful.

I guess its time to do what is necessary,

and pull back time.